my life is easier when i’m hungry, and i know, what even, but it really is. when i am light weight, when my skin sinks in between each dip of my rib cage, i am so inexplicably free. my life isn’t complicated anymore, it’s easy. i on an infinite rush.
it’s easy because you know, that voice tells me, now you can wear anything you want. and eat whatever. no more suffering, no more pain, i promise.
but promises aren’t real, they never are, and i learned a long time ago never to believe anything anyone says, even if their heart rings true. people think to heavily with their hearts and not enough with their brains and certainly not enough about other people’s feelings as a whole.
it’s kind of like swimming. you float on a little, only occasionally slipping up, and then an undercurrent drags you back under and i’m caught wondering if breaking back up the surface is worth it again. and when i say ocean, what i really mean is that giant black sucking machine that is my brain. i am scared, stupid, little girl who takes words and manipulates them so i hear what i want to hear. you’re really cute, they say. (but you have fat thighs, my brain says. fat fat fat thighs, look at you.)
and it’s like, i’ll never be stupid enough to drop too much weight. i don’t want to die, but i don’t want to exist either - not right now, not like this. i am stuck inside some kind of tidepool and there is no surface, not anymore.
instead, there is a constant stream of eat but don’t eat but that’s over 200 calories i’m hungry but you just ate that looks good you’re a pig
and my head hurts. 90 % of my life revolves around what i eat, what i put in the food, how i eat my food, when i eat it, what’s in it, if people are looking at me eat it, etc. sometimes i’ll eat and then i’ll find a mirror and check if i’m still thin. because if i’m not, if i appear bloated or fat or whatever, well, obviously i’m a selfish greedy little fucking person and that just won’t do.
sometimes i feel so sorry. i take a moment and really open my eyes and wonder, how the hell did i get this bad? and the voice in my head whispers right back, when you looked like a giant panda in those leggings.
i’ve given up meat, seafood, most carbs, milk, eggs, ice cream, christmas dinner, thanksgiving, going out to eat with family, going out to eat with friends, sleepovers, birthday parties, junk food, snack nights, ice cream, anything that is purely for pleasure, hours spent at the gym instead of somewhere else, hours spent at the grocery store stuck on calorie content, i’ve given up friends, free time, happiness, sleep, countless tears, and peace of mind
and for what?
the voice whispers back, and it sounds so much like my own, because one day, you’ll be so beautiful. just a little bit longer and there will be no more pain, i promise.